| BDSM JOKES #2 |
| 50 Things you don't want to hear your top say when you are naked and tied up : #1: "Um, I *think* I have another key around here somewhere..." #2: "Oops." #3: "Um. You didn't *really* need that, did you?" #4: "Which end of this thing am I supposed to put in there?" #5: "Don't worry. I'm sure there's a locksmith somewhere that's open at 2AM..." #6: "I promised not to do any permanent damage - but you know, hair grows back." #7: "Oops. I *thought* that was the lube." #8: "Uh oh. If that's the KY tube, what did I just put up your....." #9: "Did I mention we're on camera and this is going on my interactive website?" #10 "Safeword? Um, what's a safeword?" #11 "And this is my German Shepherd, Ralph. I know you'll just love Ralph." #12 "Oh fuck. You *can* untie yourself from up there, right?" #13 "Oh shit. You do know CPR, don't you?" #14 "Heh heh heh. You didn't tell anybody else you were coming here, did you?" #15 "I do too know what I'm doing. I've read five whole Gor novels!" #16 "Now, where DID I put that extra attachment for the chainsaw?" #17 "Uh oh. If this is the tube of Superglue, where's the KY?" #18 "Did I ever mention that little fantasy I have about the tennis balls?" #19 "Lie very, very still and keep your body temperature low. It turns me on." #20 "Oh, um, hello, Officer." #21 "My real name? It's Bates. By the way, I'd like you to meet Mother." #22 "No, really. Trust me. I saw this work in a movie once." #23 "You *said* you could service my pussy.....c'mere, Fluffy." #24 "You like my straitjacket? Cool; I'm glad they let me keep it." #25 "Phn'glui mgwlnath Cthulu R'lyeh." #26 "I did mention I was a devout worshipper of Huitzilopochtli, didn't I?" #27 "I did mention I was a devout worshipper of Kali-Ma, didn't I?" #28 "Oh mighty Azathoth, accept this sacrifice I offer to You...." #29 "I'm sorry. Are the voices in my head bothering you?" #30 "Groovy. This crop leaves colored trails in the air when I swing it." #31 "Well golly gee! This is more fun than pullin' the wings off-a butterflies!" #32 "Dang it, this is more fun than settin' cats on fire!" #33 "You don't need a safeword; I'm psychic. My spirit guides tell me what to do." #34 "You don't need a safeword; it's groovy. I'll just watch your mood ring." #35 "Oh, um, hi Mom. We were just, um, uh....." #36 "I'm not crazy. Yes I am. Shut up, all of you." #37 "Um, I forgot - which one of us was supposed to be the dom?" #38 "Heh heh. Look, Beavis, a tied up naked chick. Now what do we do?" #39 "I'm not really a mad scientist. I just want to see what happens." #40 "I promised no permanent marks, but I bet I can sew that back on." #41 "You don't need a safeword; I'm a True Master. I've read ALL the Gor books!" #42 "You don't need safewords; I'm a True Mistress. I have WEEKS of experience." #43 "I don't use safewords; I'm Betazoid. I look human so They won't get me. Shh." #44 "Uh oh. I think it's stuck there." #45 "I always keep the speculum in the freezer. It's more fun that way." #46 "If it doesn't fit, it just needs more Crisco. Where did I put that football?" #47 "Don't worry if your hands go numb. You won't be needing those." #48 "Did I mention my crucifixion fetish? Now, where did I put those nails..." #49 "No one understands me. That's why I killed her." #50 "Bye. I'm taking off for the weekend. Isn't suspension bondage fun?" #51 "Oops. It escaped. I think I see it slithering off in the corner." #52 "Darn it, where DID my pet tarantula get to?" #53 "Did I mention I'm a narcoleptic?" #54 "You know, the Marquis de Sade was a pansy." |
| A LIST OF CLUES FOR CYBERDOMS THAT WANT TO IMPRESS MEby Pam (Alkalllah@aol.com) I thought I'd take a brief moment to provide a bit of education for the leather impaired - the AOL cyberdoms whose entire education consisted of reading a letter in Penthouse. - CBT is NOT a cable channel. - A cock ring is NOT where you go to watch cock fighting. - Dom is not necessarily short for Dominic. - Into English does NOT mean you serve tea and crumpets. - There's more to being a DM than running a D&D game. - Cropping is not necessarily trimming a photo. - Topping does not necessarily refer to what you order on your pizza. - Subs are not always the substitute teachers. - You don't throw away the ping pong paddles when you get rid of the table. - There's a lot to waxing than putting a good finish on your car. - Knife play is not advanced juggling. - Stocks have been used since the 17th century. - When I say suspension, I am not referring to the undercarriage of your car. - The Leather Nation is not a gang of beer-guzzling, unshaven, long-haired bikers. - KY Jelly is not jam from Kentucky. - Ball gag is not what happens when she deep-throats you. - 24/7 does not refer to the hours of the corner convienence store. - Spreader bars are not where fat people go for drinks. - Drag queen doesn't refer to Bonnie Bedelia. - When people in the scene refer to scat, it has absolutely nothing to with Ella's vocals |
| The Top 10 Most Commonly Found Doms On AOL: 1. The 'I Am Dom Hear Me Roar' Dom: All shiny new leather wear, with a belt full of toys (just bought at Jack's Whip-O-Rama). Of *course* he knows what to do! He read SM101...and even watched Exit To Eden three whole times! 2. The 'I Just Wanna Get Laid' Dom: Roams the halls of AOL sending IMs to the ladies in the Chateaux telling them "On your knees! I am a Dom and U R my slave!". When he gets irate IMs back from the Domme he just sent to by mistake (what, read a profile? you *must* be kidding, right?), he quickly changes his tune to "R U a FDom? I am your slave! May I lick your boots?". 3. The 'Dungeon Slut' Dom: Has a new 'lady love' each day (sometimes 2 or 3 a day). He swears each time that *this* one is his 'eternal true love'....at least for the next two hours. 4. The 'Psycho-Stalker' Dom: Wants to know *exactly* what you do...every minute of the day and night. Insists on BCCs of all sent mail, and Forwards of all read mail, plus access to your account to check up on you. Do you get the feeling that someone is watching you? With this one, you're probably right. 5. The 'I Just Wanna Be Your *Friend*' Dom: Offers to guide you and protect you....you innocent sweet thing you. Oh, those other 10 subs? Just friends. Really. 6. The 'Of Course Im Dom...Uh Oh My Wife Is Home Gotta Run' Dom: Warning signs: Picks 'no response' on marital status in profile. "No honey you can't call me at home...call my voice mail instead". Often disappears in the middle of a hot n heavy cyber session...uses an excuse like 'my power went out' when asked about it. "Of *course* Im not married!" 7. The 'Im Not *That* Type Of Dom' Dom: Squeaky-clean image. The type of Dom that everyone *knows* is a good guy. He would never do something less than up-front and honorable. Uh-huh. 8. The 'Tom Cruise' Dom: He's young, rich, handsome and perfect....until you meet him in person. Then you find out that the 'Tom Cruise look-alike' you've been subbing to is 5'4", 400 lbs, bald, 48 years old, and living with his elderly mother. (Oh yeah... and he works as a clerk at 7-11...not as a CEO of a 'major corp'). 9. The 'Alex I'd Like to Buy a Clue For $200' Dom: Ok, now you've got a sub....now what? 10. The 'I Don't Have A Sub Bone In My Body' Dom: Really a bottom at heart, just refuses to admit it...even to himself. And just in case you submissives out there thought you were off the hook.... Top7Subs 1. POOR-ME SUB: This "sub" always has something going wrong in her life. Of course, it is never her fault..she is always being played upon and victimized by others. If only she found the *perfect* dom, her life would be problem-free and forever-blissful. Favorite IM to send: "Will you be my dom, sir? I am just a helpless little subbie." Favorite IM to receive: "Just do what I say, slave!" 2. JUST-DO-ME SUB: This "sub" just wants to be beaten. It doesn't really matter by who, or what..as long as he (I use "he" here because these are typically male) can feel the lash. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub can drive a dom *crazy*. Favorite IM to send: "I have been naughty and need to be punished. Spank me now, Mistress!" Favortie IM to receive: "You are a bad sub and need to be punished! Bend over!" 3. BARBIE-SUB: This "sub" just likes the way she looks in leather fashions. She is afraid of the whip, and has never seen a clamp in her life. Her favorite store is "Dream Dresser", and her whole paycheck is spent there each week. Favorite IM to send: "Would you like to know what I am wearing, sir?" Favorite IM to receive: "What are you wearing?" 4. HE-HURT-ME SUB: This "sub", without any negotiations, talk of limits or safewords, rushes out to a country cabin to to play with a dom she met 2 days ago online. After letting him tie her up and whip her, she decides he is a menace to society, and can't wait to tell all her "sub" friends he is a "BAD dom". Favorite IM to send: "Subsis, I need to pass on a warning to you!" Favorite IM to receive: "My poor subsis, you have got to warn everyone about this creep!" 5. I-JUST-NEED-A-MAN SUB: This "sub", after exhausting all her singles bar and healthclub meting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. she really has no interest in D/s, she just needs someone to spend the rest of her life with. She is a close relative of POOR-ME SUB. Amazingly, when she "gets her dom", she suddenly looses interest in any type of sex. Favorite IM to send: "Sir, will you take care of me forever?" Favorite IM to receive: "I have always dreamed of having a large family." 6. NO-ONE-CAN-TOP-ME SUB: This "sub" longs to submit, yet claims no dom is strong enough to top her. Some say she is really just a domme in disguise. Favorite IM to send: "Think you are strong enough to put me in my place, jerk?" Favorite IM to receive: "No, Mistress, I am really just a weak and helpless slave. ::falling to the floor and kissing your boots:: 7. SUBMISSION IS THE GREATEST GIFT Submissive. This submissive has stars in her eyes and naivity in her heart. She swoons at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking her to pass the salt. She writes her dom's name in the corner of her notebook with little hearts and flowers around it. She declares that there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a "better" and "higher" manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. She lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial. Favorite IM to send: "You are all of life to me, there is nothing about life worthwhile without you." Favorite IM to receive: "I am everything you'll ever want or need, and I'll protect you from everything." |